introspective pain pills

i'm in a lot of pain right now
i've been having back pain since i was a teenager (around 15 earth years) and it's only gotten worse and worse over the last three years or so.
i don't really know what's causing it, but it's gotten so much worse over the last year.
i'm concerned that it might be something really serious but my fear of knowing that something serious could be possible outweighs my pain more often than not.

i've tried everything to get rid of my pain. i'm more than sure that it's not fibromyalgia since my pain is centralized in one major location in my spine. i can't take nasaids or other medication for it since i took too many when i was a kid and built up a tolerance. i don't want to use marijuana since i've had several bad experiences with it, and other drugs are out of the question. i don't just want to take opioids to numb my pain, plus when i took them for my surgery before, they made me feel like shit. there's just nothing that can help get rid of my pain.
 
it's not that i fear my diagnosis, it's that i fear my confirmation of it. i know that what i've been feeling isn't normal and that it is tied to a health issue, the thing is, what issue...

i feel nauseous

i don't want to die

i know we all die eventually. my fear of death isn't based off that - it's the fact that if i die now, i wouldn't be able to finish all the things i wanted to finish and my legacy will be weaker than if i died just a tad bit later on.

i don't know. this is all speculation. i haven't gone in yet to check it. but i'm trying to get up my courage to do so to get it over with.