return

i'm back
i haven't meant to be away for so long, but i've been preoccupied with irl things/issues

i haven't been too well in the last couple weeks but this week has definitely been the better out of the last three or so.

i knew i'd forget to blog lol

anyways, i'll try to post more frequently.

- t

introspective pain pills

i'm in a lot of pain right now
i've been having back pain since i was a teenager (around 15 earth years) and it's only gotten worse and worse over the last three years or so.
i don't really know what's causing it, but it's gotten so much worse over the last year.
i'm concerned that it might be something really serious but my fear of knowing that something serious could be possible outweighs my pain more often than not.

i've tried everything to get rid of my pain. i'm more than sure that it's not fibromyalgia since my pain is centralized in one major location in my spine. i can't take nasaids or other medication for it since i took too many when i was a kid and built up a tolerance. i don't want to use marijuana since i've had several bad experiences with it, and other drugs are out of the question. i don't just want to take opioids to numb my pain, plus when i took them for my surgery before, they made me feel like shit. there's just nothing that can help get rid of my pain.
 
it's not that i fear my diagnosis, it's that i fear my confirmation of it. i know that what i've been feeling isn't normal and that it is tied to a health issue, the thing is, what issue...

i feel nauseous

i don't want to die

i know we all die eventually. my fear of death isn't based off that - it's the fact that if i die now, i wouldn't be able to finish all the things i wanted to finish and my legacy will be weaker than if i died just a tad bit later on.

i don't know. this is all speculation. i haven't gone in yet to check it. but i'm trying to get up my courage to do so to get it over with.

thankful

this post is a thread about what i'm thankful each day for. it'll be updated daily (if i remember to do it)

day one: i'm thankful for sesame seeds, coconut water, lilacs, soft black jeans, flannels & arik
day two: i'm thankful for soft band tees. my daily mix 1 spotify playlist, white lilies, cool breezes, almonds & tamara
day three: i'm thankful for my ability to have empathy & compassion for all, the smell of rain, dried cherries, fir trees & robert
day four: i'm thankful for 1950's style apartments, cool breezes, long haired cats, tank tops, the first sip of soda & connor
day five: i'm thankful for hot baths, the drape of curtains, milk tea, apples, sound canceling earbuds & james for said earbuds
day six: i don't feel very thankful today but i'm grateful that "re:stacks" exists (kristin too)
day seven: i'm thankful for minute chocolates, an overcast sky, hand stitched quilts, green tea & beckie and jude
day eight: i'm thankful for the moon, ocean waves, carrot cake, earl grey tea, oranges and Dominique​.
day nine: i'm thankful for cuddles, pianos, autumn leaves, soft blankets, potatoes and Kendall​

about me

• i am 19 in earth years
• i was born on earth in the country of china and adopted at four months old
• i identify as neurogender (autigender)
• non binary, genderfluid uses mainly she/her or they/them but accepts all. trying to move away from she/her but gets consistently misgendered
• polyamorous, pan-romantic flexible asexual 
• hyper-empathic
• myer-briggs personality: INFJ
• activist in the portland-vancouver metro area
• medic coordinator and organizer of moonshade medics
• special interests include animals (dogs), music, the outdoors, movies/anime/YouTube, activism/organizing, reading, visual design (interior/fashion), the ocean and ocean creatures.
• sytherin
• sagittarius  
• water clan
• if i was a mythical creature i'd be a nymph or a sprite
• child of poseidon
• relates with sherlock, doesn't understand john watson but wants to protect 
• star trek and star wars are both iconic
• favorite colors: forest green, dark purple, dark blue and white
• favorite cuisine: asian food
• favorite asian foods: salad rolls, pad thai, chicken satay
• favorite junk food: hot cheetos

(this list will be updated when i remember more things to add)

introduction

hello

i'm tan. 

nice to meet you.

i mean, obviously not really, but you get the general idea.

welcome to my blog. i've tried blogging before with very little success, but i came back to the idea since a lot of new things have occurred in my life and i feel like this will help me keep tabs on all of those said things. 

as you can probably read by the title of this blog, it'll mainly consist of my musings as a newly discovered aspie (ASD/aspergers). it'll also include tidbits about my other various medical diagnoses as well as my feelings, poetry, writings and other interesting things.

i don't have very many expectations for this blog. if anything, i expect to lose interest in it in about 3 weeks to 2 months. but by the very slim chance that i am still consistently writing on here, then i'll try to make this a full blown thing. 

anyways, make yourself at home for the short term and let's get started, shall we?